When our expectations coincide with reality

Last week, the first week of school, was rough. There's a learning curve, getting back into teaching after two years away from the head of the classroom. It's also been so hot here that I had a three-day migraine, and ended up fainting from heat exhaustion (luckily not during class). My fashion plans have been thwarted by the heat, and it's made worse by the fact that the first week requires so much running around campus getting things one needs to teach, combined with awkward social situations and logistical nightmares.

Today was a much better day, but I still long for colder weather so I feel more comfortable in my clothes. Tights and cardigans and other layering devices are very important to my personal sense of style, so it is difficult to know how to dress professionally for the heat.

Here are two outfits I wore, one from last Wednesday, when I first developed my migraine, and one from today.

Top: Old Navy

Cardigan: Lane Bryant

Skirt: ASOS Curve

Shoes: Bass

Glasses: Warby Parker

This outfit demonstrates one thing about my style that I often take for granted, but which others always remark upon: color. I love color, and I love mixing colors together. My ex-wife used to call me an accident in a crayon factory. I admit this was a wilder outfit to wear on the second day of teaching, but I just got the shirt and the skirt from recent orders, and I thought it would be a cooler alternative in the hot weather than the black pencil skirt and black top I was planning on wearing.

This is what I wore today, which is more in line with the kinds of outfits I feel comfortable wearing to class.

Dress: Simply Be
Shrug: Evans UK
Shoes: Old Navy

Pardon the wrinkles. I took these after I got home and was sitting sweating in a hot car trying to find my keys.

I actually love this dress. I would prefer to wear it with black tights and maybe a different cardigan, or no cardigan at all, but when I went bare armed into the classroom on Friday, my students saw my tattoo, and got very curious about it, and wouldn't stop asking questions. The tattoo, pictured below, is a pretty obvious queer tattoo, and it's one I want to get covered up, because it seems very second-wave feminist to me, very gender binary, and I also got it when I was with my ex-wife, so while it was not a tattoo about her, it definitely reminds me of her.

The students, some of whom I suspect are gay themselves, were all in a twitter about the tattoo, and class was quite disrupted. I want to be a loud and proud queer, and I want to be open about my fat acceptance and my disability and not ashamed, but I also have an anxiety disorder, and since I already had a migraine, my number of spoons was depleted, and I simply didn't have the energy to deal with my students' probing questions. It seemed easier to just wear the shrug to cover my arms. I forget about the tattoo a lot of the time, but when my students asked me to tell them about it, I said, "I don't think that's any of your business." Which is true. But I fear that response gave them the wrong impression—that I feel there's something about my identity I need to hide. It's one thing to say I want to be open with my students, and it's another thing to face the anxiety of coming out to them. I know as the semester goes on, I'll have many opportunities to reveal my sexuality and gender identity to them in a manner of my own choosing, but I hate feeling a loss of control in the classroom, and this definitely felt that way.

How do you deal with explaining your body modifications in the classroom? Do you come out to your students?

Guest Post: The Pregnant PhD

{This is a guest post written by Cat, a PhD student and friend. She talks about her experience being pregnant while a PhD student, and analyzes the ways others reacted to her changing body.}

When I began my PhD program, I knew there was a possibility that my husband and I would decide to have a child before I finished the program. I know that this sounds crazy to some. But when I decided to get my PhD, dragging my husband 10 hours away from a home that we both loved, I also decided that I was unwilling to put my entire life – and his – on hold for it. I would treat my PhD program like the job that it is and would allow my personal life some room to breathe. If my husband and I decided we were ready for children, I wouldn’t let the fact that I was in a PhD program hold me back.

[I should note that I would never have considered myself “ready” before taking my comprehensive exams. Life as a PhD student is simply too hectic and all-consuming up until that point.]

Once I started working on my dissertation, I felt like I was finally able to control my life (to an extent at least). I could limit the hours that I worked and control my life more than I could prior to that point.

My primary concern about becoming pregnant was how I would be perceived in my department. In my time there, numerous male PhD students had welcomed children, but I only knew one female student who had, and she was almost done with her degree – to the point that she wasn’t really producing any new work. And she had always sort of existed outside of the department, so her situation felt very different from mine.

Even (most) female professors seemed a bit a-maternal. Though many of them had children (particularly the older, more established professors), neither they nor the male professors often acknowledged themselves as parents while in the department, or at least not around students. It felt as if my department was a child-free zone.

[This is not to say, of course, that these professors didn’t love their children fiercely. The few I have seen interact with their children obviously do. But some antiquated notion of professionalism prevents them from acknowledging that aspect of their lives in the workplace.]

In fact, I was perhaps most terrified of telling my two closest friends in the program. Though they are both women of roughly my same age, both in committed relationships, they are also fiercely committed to their profession. [Look at that. See how I had already started imposing a them/me mentality? As though I was not fiercely committed to my profession by choosing to have a child.] Much to my relief, not only were they thrilled for me but they were also excited to be involved. They didn’t back away from me slowly because of my “condition.” They embraced me. Supported me. And even threw me a surprise baby shower. But they were the exception

I became pregnant in April, so by the time I was comfortable publicizing my pregnancy, it was the summer and I wasn’t teaching or, really, having any interaction with the department (aside from the friends mentioned above and a few others). So most of my fellow PhD students found out I was pregnant through Facebook. This was nice for me. Though many professed e-congratulations, I know from later interactions that they were confused and questioning whether or not my pregnancy was planned (a rather offensive question that would have never been considered if I were, say, an elementary school teacher). But I appreciated that I didn’t have to see their inevitable reactions.

By the time the fall semester started, I was five months pregnant. Though I wasn’t hugely pregnant by any standard, it was fairly obvious that something was going on. The only professor I intentionally told was my major professor, but (as these things do) word got around very quickly. And everyone was incredibly kind. But here’s the rub – they were too kind. Any biting professionalism, any effort to “push” me to success was gone. I was the pregnant one. Nobody ever asked me about my teaching or dissertation, though I worked on both through the end of the semester – one week before my daughter was born. People wanted to see ultrasound pictures instead of dissertation chapters. That professional compartmentalization had been broken by my eventually-too-big-to-ignore belly. But instead of de-compartmentalizing, I was expelled – treated as “other” within my profession.

:::

Perhaps because of this reaction, I refused to “hide” my pregnancy. (I’ve always been a bit of an obnoxious dissenter.) I wore the same clothes while in the department that I did in my personal life, which were the same kinds of clothes I wore before I was pregnant – jean trousers or slacks and blouses, nice shirts, and sweaters. Though I never wore anything particularly tight – that wasn’t my style before I was pregnant so it wasn’t my maternity style either – I also didn’t wear anything that hid my growing belly. I was able to wear non-maternity shirts throughout most of my pregnancy, but the maternity shirts I did wear had an above-the-belly waistline, drawing attention to the belly itself.

Though I’m sure it would be different for different people, I found wearing clothes that accentuated – or at least acknowledged – my pregnancy empowering. Despite my colleagues’ overly polite demeanors, I felt that my clothing choices were both professional and maternal, a sign that I could be (and was) both. I didn’t need to compartmentalize my life.

Of course, it’s easy to recognize the significance of this now. At the time, though, I was only staying true to myself. One of the most frustrating parts of pregnancy was how little control I had over that aspect of my life – the attitudes of my colleagues included. All I could do was continue to be myself – a woman who from the first day of her PhD program has striven to maintain a balance between her professional and personal life. I couldn’t change how my fellow students and professors reacted to my pregnancy, but I could be certain that the appearance I put forth accurately portrayed who I was – and am. My clothing choices, choices that very much mirrored my pre-pregnancy choices, helped me do that more than almost anything else I could have done.

:::

It seems important for me to note that the college students (mostly sophomores and juniors) that I taught while in the last four months of my pregnancy (read: very pregnant) had no problem with my being pregnant. Though they were questioning and curious before and after class – one class even made a game of picking a baby name out of each novel we read – they were able to maintain an appropriate student/teaching relationship during class (as well as during more private teaching moments, like during office hours). I had no students treat my differently because I was pregnant. I never felt like my authority was being questioned. Nor did I feel like my pregnancy had to be ignored to maintain my status in the classroom.

My point is that clearly this behavior – this compartmentalization of professionalism and parenthood – is a learned behavior, specific to academia (though I’m sure it is shared by other professions). If immature, occasionally obnoxious college students can treat a pregnant woman professionally, surely well-educated, successful college professors should be able to do the same. Right?

:::

I would like to say that things returned to normal when I started teaching again the following fall, 8 months after my daughter was born. But it hasn’t. If I take too long to meet a certain goal, I get the proverbial head pat and a knowing nod – “Well, you do have your daughter. I understand.” And while it may seem like a first world problem, that understanding would never be extended to my male/father counterparts. It feels demeaning that my motherhood is seen as an “excuse.”

While this may be a naïve belief, I truly think that this will be different at my next institution. Though I will still be a mother, they won’t have seen me pregnant – that bubble-bursting belly won’t exist there the way it does here. Unfortunately that means that I will be expected to compartmentalize my motherhood there the way that professors do here. I like to think that I will refuse to separate that portion of my life, but I feel like I won’t know until I’m in that situation. For now, though, I continue to balance my profession and parenthood without ignoring either one. It’s not easy, but it is – as my pregnancy experience demonstrated – extremely important.

Cee: First Classes

My first day of the fall semester felt a little strange, since, as I said to a student, it's been barely two weeks since I finished up the summer semester (I taught one section of comp in the summer) and I still don't feel ready to be back. . . since I don't feel like I ever really left. But on the other hand, it did make me feel more comfortable as I headed back into my classroom to teach.

Dress: Target

Cardigan: Inherited from my mother

Shoes: Payless

Sash: From another H&M dress

Necklace: Forever21

Earrings: Handmade, inspired by ASOS earrings

I went to my spirit animal, Joan Holloway Harris from Mad Men, for this look. I love the bright, summery teal of this dress in the more sixties-inspired cut (it's almost a wiggle dress, with a slight A-line to the skirt). And since it was almost a hundred degrees and I walk and bus to campus, I had to think about keeping it light (which I was very thankful for when it came to my fifteen minute uphill hike!).

I could have worn the dress without the cardigan, since I don't really mind going sleeveless in the classroom, but first day wanted something with a little more coverage. And besides, I wanted the white there to meet the white shoes. I punched up the color with my coral sash and paired it with light blue accessories, since coral and blue is one of my favorite summer color combinations.

All in all, it was a pretty successful first day outfit. I was a little hesitant about the length of the skirt (hit a few inches about the knee), but wore Spanx underneath so I could feel more comfortable sitting down, and it worked out fine. I am excited for my fall classes— I'm teaching both comp and a fiction workshop on the same day, and both classes seem like there's a lot of positive energy present. I've started being very frank with my students and telling them that I will bring all the energy I have to this class, but for it to be truly successful they are also going to need to fully engage with the material. I felt like this outfit matched the cheerful no-nonsense attitude that Joan Holloway gives, which made it just about right.

First Day of School

Today was my first day back in the classroom as a teacher after a two-year fellowship that allowed me to finish my coursework without any extra responsibilities. I am so grateful for that fellowship, because I'm not sure how I would have completed my heavy course load in two years without the opportunity. But I'm also very excited to be back in the classroom.

I see teaching as an excuse to dress up most of the time, but especially during the first week or so, I like to be especially formal. I had planned on wearing a specific grey dress today, but it was so hot out (103, a bank sign said!), so I changed my mind at the last minute. I apologize for cutting off my feet. I just wore simple black ballet flats from Old Navy. And, yes, that is a naked photo in the left corner. It's the Adipositivity calendar.

Dress: Lucie Lu

Shrug: Lucie Lu

Necklace: Gift from my grandma

I'm not totally in love with this look, though I do love the dress. It was too hot for a cardigan, and I didn't want to bare my arms (and my big gay tattoo) the first day, so I felt the need to wear something. It's a very comfortable dress, and I love the lace detail and the collar. I think this outfit was a good compromise between necessity and professionalism.

I'm also very happy with the way the class went. I was excited to help in the addition of a non-discrimination policy to the syllabus, and I also included preferred name and preferred pronoun sections on the student info sheet I always ask students to fill out the first day. I got a few strange glances, but I think it's good for people to get used to the necessity of asking about pronoun preference rather than making assumptions, and encouraging my students to look beyond their assumptions about something is going to be a huge part of the class content, so I see it as a perfect opportunity. I admit, I'm excited for this group. A lot of them are theater and dance majors, and as a poet and former theater geek who also went to a big dance school, I love getting the chance to work with creative people.

I settled pretty easily back into the role of teacher, even though I had my awkward moments. I kept dropping my cane and then tripping over it, I would lose my train of thought, and I was sweating profusely when I got to the room. But it was hot out. Being physically uncomfortable is something I really hate about teaching, as with two chronic pain conditions and a disability, I'm often uncomfortable. Adding sweat and clothing malfunctions and all manner of other things definitely makes it difficult for me to focus on teaching, but I also give myself a break since it's been long time away from teaching, and this is my first time teaching this class.

I'm going to spend the rest of the day reading my students' textbooks and preparing to teach on Wednesday.

If you're headed back to school, good luck on your first day, and let us know what you wore!

Flattering

(source)

I really hate the concept of "flattering" because it's really body-shaming. It implies that there is something about your body that needs to be hidden. It's fatphobic and all about the patriarchal beauty standards. It means too tight, too low-cut, too much. When we allow others to dictate what we wear because it is or isn't flattering, we're letting others define us. When I get dressed and look in the mirror, I want things to look a certain way, but that rarely adheres to what others would call flattering.

This has been your body-positive message of the day.

Snippets

I spent the week at a teaching orientation, and our breaks were full of fascinating discourse on feminism and fashion in the classroom. Several female-identified folks and I have talked about the advice given to femme people who teach, that we have to be very careful about maintaining authority, that we have to be hyper-aware and vigilant about our dress. One woman shared her plans to "dress down" or to wear intentionally "unflattering" clothing and hairstyles to avoid incurring the unwanted sexual attention from her students. Another woman shared her confusion at the advice given, since she is going from her home, where she is the in-control mother of twin boys to a classroom setting where, suddenly, she was told, her authority was null and void when she donned a skirt.

Frankly, I've never taught as Femme before. I identified as Butch for ten years, and had a shaved head or a faux hawk all the other times I've taught before. Since I have been on fellowship the past two years as my identity shifted and I embraced the Femme side that had always already been there suppressed, I had actually only ever thought that dressing up would, if anything, increase the respect I got from my students because of the professionalism of my dress. It is important to note that I come from a secondary teaching background. I am certified to teach (and have) grades 7-12, and we spend a great deal of time studying and implementing classroom management. I am confident in my authority regardless of what I'm wearing. I know that a good, experienced teacher commands respect no matter what they look like (that's not to discount the potential for oppressive language and/or attempts at insubordination from some students), however this discussion does interest me.

It's also important to note (and this was, indeed, part of our discussion) that the other women I was speaking to are conventionally attractive, thin, cis, and white. (NB: I am also white, as you may have noticed from my photos, though I don't identify as cis, I identify as genderqueer). We discussed the differences between the fat woman's body and the thin woman's body, and how differently we have been treated in the past by colleagues and professors, and, potentially, students. I've had students make comments to me, but, if anything, I think my weight helps add to my authority. I seem more imposing and, in some way, more adult. I literally take up more space, and, compared to my colleagues in this discussion, I have less fear of physical assault from my students. That's not to say I have no fear about a student assaulting me for some reason, but not as much as a smaller woman who feels she might be more easily disempowered physically.

In the past, I wore khaki pants and polo shirts to teach in, or dress pants and button-down shirts, vests, and other butch attire. I identified much more as a masculine person then, which is part of the reason I see my gender as non-binary. I had a shaved head, and I don't think students quite knew how to read me. I've always been a confident and enthusiastic teacher, and I think that, more than wardrobe choice, goes a long way toward being respected by your students.

I also think that the sexist attitudes of women being less-respected when they dress femme in the classroom than their male colleagues will persist unless we challenge them. So many people asked if they should wear heels and makeup during our orientation. Should they part their hair on the left or the right. Studies show, one woman insisted, that parting your hair on the left was considered more academic. And of course putting your hair in an updo was more formal. Advice like "be yourself" isn't always helpful when one has never been a teacher before. It takes some time to find your comfort in the classroom, but students' respect for you has to be founded in the way you act, and the way you treat them, not on your wardrobe choices. I always dress more formally during the first week to set the tone, and I do think that clothing is rhetorical. I obviously believe that we send messages (whether they are the ones we want to send or not) with our sartorial choices, but I think we need not fret too much. What's most important is the person wearing the clothes.

What do you wear to teach? Do you think your students treat you differently based on what you are wearing?

Why I Won't Assume Positive Intent

This doesn't directly relate to fashion, except the initial post appeared on another fashion blog. Recently Sally, over at Already Pretty wrote about how we should all assume others have a positive intent when they comment on our looks, or our bodies or whatever, because, after all, the people commenting mean well. As Sally says,

These nosy parkers are irritating and overbearing, but there are germs of real, human positivity fueling their unwelcome rants.

As I said over at Sally's site, I’m not sure I could disagree with this post more strongly than I do. Intent doesn’t determine reception. I don’t give a shit if someone intends to be nice when they insult my weight or ask why I use a cane or tell me I shouldn’t be wearing that or say they don’t mind nice gay people like me but freaks shouldn’t get married. Almost everyone thinks they’re being nice, but that doesn’t give them the right to give me their opinion about my body or my life or my choices, and remaining polite and assuming positive intent may be nice, but it sure as hell doesn’t change anything. Sure, in a workplace situation, it might be necessary at times, since you can’t escape your colleagues, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let people get away with their offensive behavior just because they meant well.

Being able to assume positive intent comes from a place of enormous privilege, and also safety. It's simply unrealistic and ignorant to follow this kind of advice.

I think only a privileged person could go through life assuming everyone means well. If you're queer or disabled or fat or trans or a person of color or any and all of those and more, you know for a fact that, actually, most people don't mean well. It's a nice thought, but it's not well-meaning to tell a fat person to go on a diet. It's not well-meaning to say you think I'm a lovely girl, but I don't have a right to get married, it's not well-meaning to tell a transwoman that if she dressed more feminine more people wouldn't misgender her. It's not well-meaning to tell me I shouldn't wear horizontal stripes or ask my Japanese-American friend where she's really from.

As one commenter already pointed out over there, Sal is advocating we ignore microaggressions, and basically implies that we're just getting too worked up over nothing when people are well-meaning, and we ought to cut them some slack. Not only is this condescending to those who experience these microaggressions, but it is dismissive of the very real systemic problems from which microaggressions stem. One commenter even declared that we should assume positive intent on a macro level as well, because most evil that is done in the world is not done to intentionally harm.

Some people live in a privileged bubble that insulates them from the truth of the oppressions surrounding us. What disturbs me most about the blog post is that so many people agree with it. And maybe they are all thinking of things from the point of view of "assume your husband didn't mean to leave the cupboard door open!" but that's not actually what Sal is talking about in the post, as she uses the example of facial scarring and tattoos.

There is a place for patience when someone is actively trying to learn and be a better person. If someone screws up and uses a word they shouldn't use, and you remind them not to say "that's lame" anymore, and they apologize, and are obviously making an effort to improve, that's one thing. But there is an evident difference between truly well-meaning people who may not have the vocabulary to be the most effective in their communication and assholes disguised as concern trolls wrapped up in bold impolite and unsolicited advice.

If we dance through life assuming positive intentions and never calling people out on their offensive speech and behavior, nothing will ever change, and I don't want to maintain the status quo, I want a revolution, and maybe your way of life involves putting blinders on to the truth of the inequities in the world and the body-policing and the way that privileged people feel they have rights over others' bodies, but rage fuels change for me, and you go ahead and assume I mean well when I tell you that this attitude gets us absolutely nowhere.